Dating – 5 Tips for Guys, and 5 Tips For Girls

Dating has been on my mind a lot lately. Through emails, tweets, and messages it seems people struggle with how to properly date and interact with someone they like or want to pursue. Because I can totally relate to this, and having just been out of the dating scene a measly few weeks, I thought it’d be fun if my fiancé (Alyssa) and I made a few short videos answering questions, offering suggestions, on relationships, dating, etc. I’m by no means an expert but I’d love to offer what I have learned the hard way. Below are just a few tips though that don’t need much explanation or video elaboration, so I thought I’d include them. I hope they encourage. 

5 Tips for Guys In Dating

1. Grow up and stop looking at porn. It will ruin you, your relationship, and your capacity for intimacy in the future.

2. Don’t play games. Make your intentions known early. There should be no guessing from the girl on whether or not you like her. If you are pursuing her, texting her, flirting with her, etc then you are communicating to her that you want a relationship. If you are doing those things and don’t want a relationship, refer back to number 1.

3. Include her friends. Don’t pull her away from her life, but instead get involved in her life.

4. Simply listening goes a lot farther than offering a solution.

5. Treat her as someone’s future wife. She isn’t yours, she’s God’s.

5 Tips for Girls in Dating

1. Be secure enough in how much God loves you or you will become a slave to the guy’s decisions, emotions, and actions. If you put your identity in your boyfriend, in hopes that he will satisfy you, save you, and fulfill you, then when you break up it will feel like you are losing your god not your boyfriend.

2. Find out the guy’s gifts, talents, and passions and pursue them with him. Guys like shared time more than shared conversation sometimes. Just doing an activity he loves together means the world. (Disclaimer: this does not mean you have to play COD with him all the time. In fact if he plays it too much, take a sledgehammer to the Xbox while he’s sleeping )

3. Break up with him if he doesn’t follow number 1 above. Seriously. It never ends well. A guy is always on his best behavior in dating so if you see red flags in dating, they only get worse in marriage. It’s better to be not married and lonely, then married, lonely, and miserable.

4. Pray for him, let him lead, and encourage him through texts, notes, gifts, etc. (Pinterest FTW).

5. Have a few older godlier men in your dating life (your pastor, father, etc). If you two date in isolation it won’t go well. Guys listen to guys, so get guys in your life that can speak into his life and keep him accountable.

 

I know there are plenty more I could add to the list. What would you add? What has helped you while dating?

The Greatest Thing a Woman Can Do For a Man

Below is a guest post by my lovely fiancé, Alyssa Fenton. You can chat with her, give her feedback, or ask her something on her twitter here. I know she’d love to hear from you. Man, I’m so thankful for this woman and thankful she prays for me. Hope the below post encourages.

I was sitting on a yellow vintage couch in a beautiful home in Maui. I remember studying God’s truth with a few ladies my age. For a month we were going to go through the book “How to Pray for Your Future Husband” by Robin Jones Gunn. None of us were married, or were even dating for that matter.

One quote by her I’ll never forget though. It said, “Ladies, pray for your men. Satan’s game plan is to take down the leaders, the men. Only God’s Spirit can draw a man to seek Him and free him to be the man, and leader God wants for him to be. Whether you marry or not, DO BATTLE! Pray!”

Do battle I thought?

Me?

The girl whose dad laughed at the army recruiter when they called my house seeing if I wanted to join the army my senior year?

The girl who, although has gone on adventures all over the world, is scared to go on public buses, walk the streets of downtown L.A., and walk from my car to my house at night?

But I’ll never forget that afternoon, sitting there with those women, moved to the very depths of my soul, my spirit stirred deep within, saying “Yes! Fight for our men.”

My heart has been so heavy lately for boys and men in our culture. On average, boys are exposed to pornography at age 8-11. No longer is it a question of if they’ve seen porn or not, but whether or not they’re addicted, and most are. Video games are rampant in our culture. The most popular among games are ones that include high violence, and advancement to the next level is achieved by killing a certain number of people.

I see boys becoming apathetic, lazy, rebellious, angry. They have contests at school to see who can get the lowest GPA. They revel in one-night stands. They compete, trying to sleep with the most girls, or better yet, sleep with the most wanted girls. Boys are staying boys well into their 30′s, living at home and having their moms provide for them. So many boys grow up without fathers at home, or if they are home, they may not be present.

So where do these boys learn to be men?

MTV?

The radio?

Older friends?

I’ve seen this over and over the past 3 years interning for the youth ministry at my church, and now working at a Christian high school.

It’s so easy for me to get sad, disheartened and discouraged. Where have all the good men gone!? What’s going to become of this next generation!? What’s going to happen when I have kids?

Have you ever found yourself asking these same questions?

There is nothing more that Satan wants than to steal, kill and destroy us. (John 10:10) And the best way to do that is to take down our men. God created men to be our leaders. When you go into battle, the goal is always to take down the leaders, the commanders, the king, because once they fall, you’ve got them all.

There is a battle going on that we can’t see. Most of us most likely won’t go into the army, we may not play sports, and we may be afraid to ride public transportation! But we are called to fight. Ladies, the time has come. Rise up. Commit yourself to prayer. Take up your shield of faith and the sword of the spirit.

AND PRAY.

FERVENTLY.

WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.

CONTINUALLY. 

We as women have a high calling on our lives. We have the joy of going before our Father’s throne and uplifting the men in our lives to Him. To the King of Kings. The Loving Father. The Holy God. The Mighty One. He is all-powerful and He is more than able to change hearts, stir in spirits, give wisdom to the humble, lead the weak, and give power. He sees us. He knows our hearts. He is raising up men for this generation to be like Him, to serve Him, to be laborers among the harvest, to disciple younger men, and you have the opportunity to join in on His work.

Don’t just pray for your future husband. Pray for your brother, father, pastors, professors, and friends.

Don’t sit on the sidelines and watch.

Gear up. Bow down. And pray. Watch God work, change, transform, and move in these men. He is faithful. He hears our cries. DO BATTLE. 

“For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as He hears it, He answers you” (Isaiah 30:19 ESV).

Ladies, do you pray for the men in your life?

What Really Matters (Uganda Update Day 2 & 3)

I seriously love it here. Yesterday we played soccer with the kids while a group of them practiced a performance for the first lady of Uganda. The kids here are insane–they play all day, never get sweaty, and don’t get tired. They put me to shame.

For dinner all the guys I’m with split up and we all eat with a different orphan home. The mom in the one I went to was named Beatrice. It was such a special moment. Here the girls prepare the food and then come kneel before the guys as they give it to them. Then the girl who served me my food said “let us pray” in one of the cutest voices ever. For dinner we have beans and this mashed up corn type stuff called “porsha” I think. It was good! The serving size here is ridiculous though. They all made fun of me for eating like a “muzungu” and not eating a lot. When mama Beatrice brought me my food I thought it was for the whole table haha.

Today we are going to do lots of work around the property to get it ready for the First Lady. There’s a special buzz around here because everyone is really looking forward to it. Excited to do a small part in maintaining this awesome property. Also hope it’ll be a good time of conversation with the workers who live here.

Lastly, I’m just so reminded here of where true joy comes from. All the kids here have such joy and such a beautiful spirit among them despite their circumstances. Frankly sometimes it’s embarrassing to me. Here you can’t help but realize what’s really important in life.  There is such a heavy emphasis on relationships here. Joy comes from friendship, conversation, and loving each other. Because of Dollar For The Poor they’ve been blessed here to have their basics needs met like durable shelter, 3 hot meals a day, water, and education. And all that happens from people giving a dollar a month. It’s crazy that it’s such a small amount I never even notice it coming out of my bank, yet it provides so much for the kids. I mean what would it look like if the each person in the Body gave a dollar? It could be from a CEO’s salary or a 12 year old’s allowance. It’s a level playing field and we all can have a part. What’s holding you back? It took me awhile to sign up but once I did I’ve never regretted it. Especially after seeing the faces and schools that it’s helping.

Seriously if you have a chance checkout Dollar For The Poor. Humbled by their work and seeing it first hand I can vouch they have a kingdom mindset. Their main priority is to restore and invest in relationships, and seeing the fruit of that here is beautiful. I have so much to learn and thankful for God’s grace in teaching me so much while over here.

Day 1 in Uganda

As I type this I am sitting on the porch of an orphan home looking up at the stars here in Uganda. It’s so beautiful and full of life here. Even today a pack of monkeys crossed the street while we were driving!

Anyways I’m loving it here. We haven’t officially done much because we’ve been traveling but it’s been legit. We had two 10 hour flights to get here and we then stayed in a guest house last night in the capital city. We woke up this am and took a 6 hour car ride to get to where we are now. It’s an orphanage called Restoration Gateway. It’s ran by this sweet couple from Texas and they have almost 150 kids in the orphanage! The kids live in brick houses that they build on site. Each house has a ‘mom’ that stays there full time to cook and help the kids with homework.

Today the kids were practicing a bunch of performances because the first lady of Uganda is coming Monday. Seriously there is nothing more beautiful than a group of 150 kids singing praise songs to Jesus with dancing mingled in. Such a special moment to partake in.

I’m out here with my buddy who runs an awesome ministry called Dollar For The Poor. If you have a chance check it out. They only ask for a monthly donation of one dollar a month and that money helps to give water, education, and micro finance to orphanages like the one we’re at! It’s crazy to think I’ve been giving for about 2 years and so only about 24 bucks but it’s cool to come see one of the places that it comes to fruition at! It’s a sweet feeling to see the kids faces who you are helping get an education and then microloan so they can live with sustainability. And to think how much a dollar to us is and how much that can do in places like Uganda is unbelievable! It’s humbling for sure. Anyways that’s it for now. Hope to post photos and video soon.

Check out Dollar For The Poor Here:  http://ow.ly/1N2UKb

10 Things You Have To Do If You Want The Next Generation To Listen…

A lot of times I get asked why I seem to have struck a chord with the younger generation. To be honest, I have no idea. But, after thinking of a few pastors/speakers who I listen to frequently I started looking for common variables. Below are a few I’ve noticed that I’ve also tried to model and incorporate when I speak from time to time. The biggest mistake by an adult is to think the younger generation “can’t handle” all of the truth or can’t comprehend it. It’s a joke that in school these teenagers are taking chemistry and calculus yet we in the Church make them stay in the kiddie pool in regards to the depth and knowledge of our Creator. God’s a beast, stop making excuses for Him. I’ve noticed the biggest thing my generation wants is just someone who tells it how it is. They just want someone who lays it all out there and has firm convictions about what they believe. My generation just wants authenticity.

10 Things You Have To Do If You Want The Next Generation To Listen…

1. Preach Jesus.

2. Don’t Take Yourself Seriously.

3. Speak Truthfully, Boldly, and Fervently.

4. Preach Jesus With Your Life.

5. Don’t Shy Away From “Taboo” Sins.

6. Be Transparent.

7. Lead In Repentance.

8. Show God is After Our Joy, Not Our Buzzkill.

9. Don’t Water Down Jesus’ Harsh Sayings.

10. Preach And Articulate Real, Biblical, Transforming Grace.

What Do You Think? What Would You Add/Subtract?

God Likes To Party (And You Should Too)

I was recently the best man in one of my good friends wedding. Hands down, it was one of my favorite weddings I’ve ever been apart of.

Why?

Because it shadowed the fullness of God and what He’s like more than I’ve ever seen.

Throughout the entire night they displayed two beautiful insights into the nature and character of our God in heaven.

First, they showed God is a God of covenant.

Second, they showed God is a God of celebration.

Have you ever noticed how beautiful the ceremony really is? Have you ever felt the weight of being involved in that special moment? Marriage isn’t a human invention. In it God Almighty is peeling back the curtain saying on His creation saying, “look! This is exactly like you and me!” For some reason unbeknownst to us He chose marriage above anything to uniquely display what it’s like for Him to interact and relate to us.

Everything from the vows, to the bride wearing white, are all but shadows of deeper realities. Like the bride, when we trust in Jesus, we are clothed in perfection. It’s not that we’re not dirty or not wicked, but Jesus’ righteousness has clothed us in white (free of charge), so the Groom sees us as beautiful, spotless, holy, and blameless.

One of my favorite things to do at weddings is watch the Groom’s face when the bride comes in. Everyone stands. People become silent. It’s a holy moment. What’s He do? He begins to beam with joy, tears, and love. He longs for her. He has waited for her. And finally she is here. That is Jesus with us! He longs for us, He waits for us, and He truly does rejoice and delight in us like a husband to his bride. Do you believe that?

And the most beautiful thing is it’s the beginning of a covenant relationship. There is no breaking it. There is no turning away. The promise is stronger than the will of the two individuals. Neither spouse is an employee to be fired, but a husband and wife to be loved.  And that is love.

But…..

What typically happens after the ceremony?

 

Everyone celebrates!

 

I get so upset and grieved at the fact that some of the most boring weddings I’ve ever been to are Christian ones. Do we not know we are giving a false testimony to the character of God when we do that? God isn’t a buzzkill. Some receptions I’ve been to, if my eyes were closed, I wouldn’t be able to tell if I was at a funeral or a wedding.

 

That happens a lot because people have been fooled to think God is a righteous judge (which he is), but not a loving Father that delights in us and wants to lavish joy and gifts on us.

 

Here’s a newsflash: Jesus partied.

 

Here’s another newsflash: Religious people didn’t.

 

Which one are you?

 

Have you ever noticed that? Jesus actually got invited to parties. Religious people didn’t. Jesus was a God of celebration. He wanted to display the Kingdom as a place of feast, celebration, and partying. That’s why when asked about the Kingdom He responded multiple times by comparing it to a wedding feast and celebration!

 

Not to mention Jesus’ first miracle was at a party, and He was the one that supplied the alcohol (or for you Baptists, He supplied the grape juice). Whatever. Who cares what was in the cup, all we know is that there was something in the cup and people were getting it poppin’.

 

Disclaimer: Just because I know people can take this the wrong way I’m not saying to get drunk, go crazy, or any of that. I’m saying Jesus throws parties and His are way better than the ones you’re thinking of because they don’t make you sick the next day. 

Sometimes I just laugh when I walk by those street preachers on the corner. They are going to be so awkward when they get to heaven when they realize it’s just one big party with the King. Who knows, they might even be so bold to tell Jesus to turn down the music.

 

So, next time you go to a wedding, look for these beautiful shadows, and walk away remembering these great truths. The ceremony is nothing but God showing He’s a God of covenant, and the reception is nothing but God showing He’s a God of celebration.

 

Forget neither, and revel in both.

 

God loves.

 

God celebrates.

What else have you noticed at a wedding that shows a deeper reality? What’s your favorite one?

Why Jesus Doesn’t Want You To “Ask Him Into Your Heart”

I’ll never forget it. I was in middle school. All around me were other middle school kids crying. Hardly anyone was standing. It was a powerful moment—so much so that even now when I think about it a range of emotions come over me. Where was I? I was at a youth camp. It was the last night where everyone “asked Jesus into their heart.” Mercy Me’s “I Can Only Imagine” was playing while the camp speaker asked all the kids to bow their heads and close their eyes. He would then say, “ok whoever wants to receive Jesus repeat after me….”

Sound familiar?

Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart?

Now first let me say this—I am not arguing in this blog that Jesus doesn’t save through this method (because He clearly does). Also, John 1:12 would suggest we do need to receive Jesus in some way or another. But my question is why has it become so mechanical? So forced? So calculated? Receiving the grace of Jesus is a beautiful thing. We tell people it is free (which it is), but we forget to tell them it will cost them their life (which it will). I’m humbly submitting that this might be the main thing contributing to our lethargic, apathetic, and consumer based Christianity that’s plaguing our nation right now.

Doesn’t it haunt you that this “prayer” is never uttered in the New Testament?

Have you ever asked yourself why?

Doesn’t it haunt you that people never made a “decision” but rather gave up all they had to follow Jesus?

Why is the life we are calling people to, so different from what the original disciples called them to?

When I first became a Christian about 4 years ago, the church I went to would give an “invitation” at the end of every sermon. It was very similar to the experience above. He would have people bow their heads and close their eyes, and “accept Jesus into their heart.” He would then usually say something like “I see your hand, God sees your heart.” I think about 15 people would get saved every service. At this time they were probably a 3,000+ person church with multiple campuses in a tiny town. I remember thinking after about a year, that if 15 people were getting “saved” a service in a town of around 20,000 this city should be upside down for Jesus. But Monday through Saturday nothing seemed much different. Why? Also why do they bow their heads and close their eyes? I struggled with the fact that if someone can’t proclaim Jesus is Lord and that their heart has been changed by His grace in the safest of all places—a church full of people who already love Jesus!—then do we really think they would proclaim Him boldly out in the world, where He’s hated?

Let me clarify though before my email inbox fills up with not so happy Christians defending this method. I don’t care how you preach the gospel, as long as its the gospel that’s actually being preached. Is the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus the focus? Is there blood? Is there cross? Is there persecution? 2nd Timothy 3:12 says all who seek to follow Jesus will face persecution. Too many times we proclaim “your best life now”, instead of a rugged cross. If they are being called to more than a stirred heart, but called to an abandoned life, then by all means do it. But, people aren’t being called to die for the sake of God’s glory and His mission, then I’d be careful to call it the true message of Jesus.

Jesus isn’t after people “accepting Him into their hearts” He is after people boldly giving up all they have and following Him by faith, death, and suffering.

Nothing makes me tremble more at night then knowing there are millions of people (most likely in churches) who don’t know Jesus at all, and are being led to hell under the pretense that they are “good to go” because they prayed a prayer. In fact the main reason they stay distant from Jesus is that they think they’ve already “taken care of that.” The truth is, if a boulder dropped on top of you, you’d look different after the fact. Why is it then that supposedly when the most glorious, holy, amazing, and beautiful infinite God of the universe “drops” on us we don’t look any different? You are saved by grace, but real grace changes you.

Is that you? Do you actually know Him?

I’m not asking do you struggle or wrestle (you should) but I’m asking do you know Him? Do you love Him? Do you want more of Him? Even if you are struggling, if you can answer yes to those questions, you are in a safe place. But, if you are simply clinging to something you did years ago, but you have zero intimacy with your Creator, I’d tread softly.

From now on what do you say we….

Stop asking Jesus into our heart, and start asking Jesus to change our heart.

Stop receiving Jesus,  and start following Jesus

Stop raising our hand for Jesus, and start raising our obedience for Jesus.

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?”

Luke 9:24-25

 What do you think? Has it done more harm than good?

Why Chick-Fil-A & Apple Products Are Holy

What stirs your affections towards Jesus? What, when you do it, you walk away from loving Jesus more? Or, what has you feeling empty and far away from Him after? There’s things in scripture that are clearly forbidden, and there are things that are clearly commanded, but what about all the middle ground stuff? All the gray area? It’s not that they are necessarily sinful but is there something robbing your affections for Jesus?

A few years ago I read a blog post by Matt Chandler, one of my favorite pastors/bible teachers, on things that stir us towards Jesus. The blog can be found here. In it, he challenged me to keep a seasonal list of things that draw me towards Jesus, and things that draws me away from Him. It’s a very practical and simple way to keep a pulse on your walk with your Creator. I’ve tried to keep up with it the last few years and its been a huge encouragement/help in my walk. The list can seriously include anything. My list changes all the time. Sometimes it’s weird. But what it comes down to is worship. What stirs in you a spirit of thankfulness that points you towards your Creator? What stirs you towards Him? Run to those things. What puts out the flame? Run from those things. Below is my list. Hope it encourages.

Things that stir my affections for Christ

1. Quiet bible reading with coffee in my hand

2. Thinking about my fiancé

3. Thinking about my future marriage

4. Good preaching

5. Apple products

6. Mountains and lakes

7. New car smell

8. Charles Spurgeon quotes, books, and sermons

9. Chick-Fil-A

10. Hanging around non-believers

Things that kill my affections for Christ

1. Staying up late with nothing to do

2. Being alone for a long period of time

3. Idle Facebook and Twitter time

4. Dwelling on past sin, shame, and guilt

5. Stale, produced, and “showy” church services

6. Bad preaching

7. Reality shows

What about you? What would be on your list?